I have to confess, Lent is not going all that well for me. On Ash Wednesday I was in a bad mood. Tired and irritable, I was far from ready to contemplate 6 weeks of serene spiritual journeying. I had not prepared to fast. I had not bought a lent book. I had not planned to attend any bible study. In fact, I had no thought in my head of any constructive engagement with developing my spirituality or exploring my relationship with God. Where my thoughts were directed towards God, they were angry and resentful. I ranted at God. “Why don’t you ever heal the people I love? Why am I always listening to stories about other people’s miracles? If you think surrounding me with bl**dy happy smiley Christians is going to make me a better person you are so wrong! I AM NOT LIKE THAT! I WILL NOT BE LIKE THAT! IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE, FORGET IT!! “
Things continued in this vein for several days. I was irritated every time I heard someone talk about God’s love. Irritated in the way a single woman is irritated by her annoyingly ‘in love’ friends. Everyone around me seemed to be getting on just great with God. What was wrong with me?
You’re probably waiting for me to work up to some neat resolution to this experience. A moment when God’s grace became clear to me, and I felt better. Except it isn’t like that. Never is, for me. But there are strands of hope which I am holding on to. I saw a friend at the end of a long day.”How are you?” I asked. A rant ensued which would put mine to shame, during which he expressed the opinion that there was more point believing in the tooth fairy than in God because at least you could predict when she would show up. I was sad that my friend was going through a hard time. But I was also encouraged. I thought: I am not alone in this.
The journey to Easter was painful for everyone. Jesus, his disciples, the authorities – all were taken well out of their comfort zones. It can’t have made any sense to any of them until well after the events of Easter Day. And from this I also gain hope: maybe God is leading me even though it doesn’t feel like it. Maybe, on the other side of Easter, all of this will make more sense.
Clare that made me smile and laugh
. I love your honesty. I think is ok to be honest and say i don’t know where god is right now or even if he / she is there. I think it is healthy to acknowledge when it all feels s*** and you feel alone. I pray that you see glimmers of God’s grace over the next days and weeks. I think I have rarely experienced God in a strong, overwhelming way and often find it hard to understand when people talk about having an amazing feeling of love for God. More recently I think God reveals him/herself to us in ways which fits with who we are. This lent I am learning that God is in small things, no trumpets or angels or huge feelings for me just tiny glimmers in normal life like through a frog at a nursery last week!!
By: soniamain on February 28, 2010
at 8:09 pm
Haha! Clare, you are sooo real, you are almost scary…almost. I think I can empathise with you. I did buy the book but (Phil’s) weakness in the face of the Winter Olympics has cocked our schedule up, and we are currently about a week behind. We are two months into the year and we have 3 deaths within our circle already – faith takes a battering when death comes along more frequently than the 472 bus!
About a year ago I managed to get myself roped into being our church’s rep for the Women’s World Day of Prayer as a favour to someone, thinking 1 meeting, 1 rehearsal and 1 event wouldn’t be too onerous. Not my cup of tea, to be honest – not least because I don’t have a blue rinse. I had to drag our Kirsty along to the rehearsal last Friday. I had promised 2 readers from our church and nobody responded to the appeal (no surprises there) so we had to do it ourselves. Kirsty was about 50 years younger than the average age. We sat and observed the surreal event unfolding before our eyes. There must be a God…he/she is always placing me in bizarre churchy situations…I am obviously being called to write that book. Now, where is that brightly coloured scarf I had? It will be ideal for waving about in the opening procession next Friday…
By: Carole on February 28, 2010
at 10:02 pm
now that is a photo worth seeing Carole!.
Something I read in the Maggi Dawn lent book last night ( miracle I am back on track lapsed a few times but caught up- I have usually given up by now!) she suggested
“In the journey of faith we always start out with misconceptions and, in order to grow into God, we gradually have to unlearn ideas that may be deeply ingrained in us but are at odds with truth. our idea of God is drawn quite unconsciously from a mixture of sources, from experiences that go back to childhood, from media, from literature, from what we have heard or misheard in church and read or misread in scriptures. These ideas are the baggage we bring with us to faith, so the God becomes, in our experience, a mixture of truth and misconception. The God we expect to meet may not be the same God we encounter”
I found that quite helpful, thinking about what my misconceptions are! I think one of them is god as a superhero!, swoop down and sort everything out- never been my experience but i guess I still hop
By: soniamain on March 1, 2010
at 8:51 am
(Sonia – love the idea of you hopping waiting for a superhero!!!! sorry to point out the typo!)
Awwww Clare
I do so relate to what you’ve typed and wish I were there to provide chocolate and a hug (although I’d mug you for the chocolate!).
My lent is going particularly badly, have totally failed in the lent book department (whoops), and while I have managed to give up chocolate and alcohol, I’m really struggling with swearing coz work is so pants.
And I’m tired and irritable and want to FEEL something, but having a real crisis of faith atm. I’m ashamed to admit it, but lent doesn’t seem to mean anything to me this year. Easter is fast approaching, and yet, I don’t really feel any connection to God whatsoever. Not good really!
Infact, the only vaguely Christian thing I do thesedays is stop off here and at asbojesus.
I prayed the other day for about 5 minutes, but that was because I was stuck in traffic and felt like I was going to be sick, so literally said over and over “Please God, don’t let me be sick in the car”. Does that even count as a prayer?
Maybe lent will pick up…..and if not, here’s to both of us finding some answers come April or May!
By: dadube on March 1, 2010
at 11:37 am
I so know what you mean, I never observe lent, and I never read lent books
Ian’s stuff, though, made me think, – maybe I’m missing the point, maybe all that lovely lent event stuff is just not for me, maybe it is about the disturbance?
Ian’s thoughts:
“For me one of the important subtexts of Lent is that it is a time of disturbance. I think and talk of the season as ‘the disturbing time’” – Ian Adam
“As you go into prayer imagine a wilderness, full of bones.
What is the wilderness you see?
What are the bones?”
By: subo on March 1, 2010
at 1:54 pm
thanks everyone for your comments! made me smile
I like what Ian Adams says about disturbance. That fits pretty well with where I am now. God is disturbing me. Wonder where that will lead?
By: sanctuarybath on March 4, 2010
at 7:47 pm
Thanks for this thoughtful post Clare
I’m really recognising a need within myself to look for things that nurture me and my faith
recently I faced up to the damage my brutalising childhood has left me with, the lack of nurture, the disinterest in who or what I was, the ridged structures and entrenched hierarchy, – and that at times I’ve settled for more of the same! I’ve put my heart and soul into things, and then accepted letting go of my need to talk about them. I’ve stayed in places where the structures suffocatingly ridged
and so, am beginning to seek life, finding places where I’m welcomed, hugged, included. where there’s less hegemony and scapegoating, where barriers are melted, where I feel listened to
it’s not just that I know I desperately need a little nurture in my life, or that the stark fare I’d existed has was crippled me and smothered my laughter, it’s that I want to know of places to bring folk, places they too might catch a glimpse of the Kingdom, and a chance to be oneself.
so thanks Clare for letting me stay this wk, with the image of the bones in the desert, and letting me face just how much I need to seek some blessing in my life
By: subo on March 7, 2010
at 3:01 pm